How do you Feel?

How do you Feel?

A Project

By Swadha Rawat

A little background on the project and poem

From the 11th of May 2020 to the 16th of May 2020, I participated in a Psychology Summer Internship with Dr Samir Parikh, organised by Fortis Hospital. An important part of the internship was the Social Media Project I had to make.

Now, I was honestly quite perplexed about what to do. I've always been a firm advocate of the importance of mental health, but I had never expressed my opinions to a platform larger than that of my school magazine.

I ended up writing a poem.

But there was still something missing. The message seemed almost disjointed and clinical on paper. That was when I realised that what I was missing was the emphatic, humanistic approach. I guess it was almost a flash of inspiration. Suddenly, it was all I could think of. This is how I wanted to make an impact, a multimedia project.

In a flurry, I texted my classmates and the response I received was overwhelming. They were all incredibly vested in the venture and agreed to letting me record them. Next, I talked to some of the adults I knew and got recordings of their voices. Quite honestly, even if the words are my own, they were brought to life in their voices and I am extremely thankful for their support

The next two days, I lived, breathed and slept this project. I wanted to make something that touched people; that gave them hope and told them that they weren't the only ones who felt or thought this way.

So, here it is. Forty-eight hours of tears, sweat and aching shoulders presents to you- "How do you Feel? A Project". 

How do you Feel?

The voices chattering

Only in my ears

Deafen me.

But when I turn and ask a friend

The only reply is, “That’s so creepy.”

How do you Feel?

One. Two. Three.

I feel like a puppet.

Four. Five. Six.

The puppet master says,

“It's necessary to do things this way.”

Six. Five. Four.

Repeat the action once more.

Three. Two. One.

That’s just not the way things are done.

How do you Feel?

It's like no one else can see,

The devil perched on my shoulder

Constantly telling me

To pick up even what I do not need,

The security guard might yell stop

But I cannot.

How do you Feel?

It's like my house is on fire,

And there’s only me

Rushing around,

Trying to put out the flames

While my neighbours ask, “What’s the hurry?”

I know now

That they must’ve lit the tinder.

How do you Feel?

Some days my shoes are cement blocks

Dragging me into the depths of an ocean from which I cannot escape,

The dark and cold envelopes me

There was no lifeguard on duty.

 How do you Feel?

The buzzing television static

A loud voice teasing and suddenly my blood is boiling

The next second

I switch it off along with the TV

Its hard to function

When nobody believes that there’s a problem;

Is it just my faulty connection?

How do you feel?

The stage I’m standing on is too hot and too cold

The light in my eyes is too bright

My breath is short, the silence is long

I can’t speak,

I can’t breathe.

How do you feel?

The memories play behind my eyes on repeat

The ground seems as though it could give way beneath my feet

And every time I hear a car backfire

I’m back in a battlefield.

How do you Feel?

Ups and downs,

Turns and arounds.

It’s like I spend my entire life

On a roller-coaster of emotions, I don’t know how to get off of.

How do you Feel?

I read the page of my textbook again

And again and again

Slower each time until the words stop moving

Across the page

But by the time they make sense, 

And I’ve managed to unscramble them in my head

Our teacher’s already moved ahead.

How do you Feel?

There’s a buzzing electricity underneath my skin

And a violent tremor in my leg.

My eyes keep darting from here to there.

And even if I try to hold on tight to the wheel,

The ship that is my mind

Always seems to veer off course.

How do you Feel?

I’m too fat so I can’t eat

And my legs are too… And my waist isn’t…

And my shoulders and my nose and my lips and my stomach and…

There’s so much wrong with me.

I love my friends and how they look and how they are,

Then why can’t I love me?

___________

Throw open your windows,

And dust out your curtains.

Let the sunlight stream in
To illuminate-
What was previously hidden.